Top 10 Newbie Lesson's Learned the Hard Way

Being a newbie is tough work. So much is going on that it seems impossible to have every possible angle covered (don't worry you wont cover them all). You've been so focused on nailing the workouts you have on your calendar that some of the small things that can make a big difference slide right by. Well, some make an actual difference while others just keep you from some good old fashion newbie embarrassment. So, here are a few tidbits of wisdom (or words of warning) handed down by a fellah who learned them the hard way. That is right, yours truly has screwed all of these up at least once (a few, twice, because I'm a slow learn).

1. Drawers Under Drawers. No, you don't wear underwear under your bike shorts or tri-shorts (yup, they makes these and they are a solid investment). Companies spend a shmeer of money researching, manufacturing and marketing shorts that are gentle on your private bits. Drawers under drawers creates extra friction, especially when wet on race day. The results are open wounds in areas where open wounds are not an acceptable conversation starter. Don't trust your shorts? see #7 for a little extra protection.
2. Foggy Goggles. Overpriced sprays, spit, blah, blah, blah. None of that crap works. Foggy goggles make the miserable experience of learning to swim laps even more miserable. There is however, a Mediocre Age Grouper guaranteed solution freely stolen from one more experienced and wiser than myself. Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo. That's right. Slather a lil bit of that on the inside of your goggles, rinse it out and you are guaranteed not to fog. You may wish your goggles fogged when you are surrounded by a thousand flailing arms and legs and unknown dangers lurking below, but this one is guaranteed! The key to clear goggles is baby shampoo.
3. Scout. Grab a delicious cup of joe and drive the bike course before the race, Ride the run course (without the cup of joe) if possible. You may not like what you see but it is better to know before you go than to blow up. Each race puts a course map up ahead of time for a reason and it is not because you use it on race day (race courses are well marked and staffed with volunteers, only made a few wrong turns thus far). Scout it out.
4. Artistry. Let the volunteers mark you, they are trained professionals. The line really goes faster than it looks and you don't want to be that newbie fool that puts their race number where their age goes.... Just saying, its embarrassing.
5. Bowels. Don't eat crap before race day. That delicious sounding baked greasy pasta aka EL DIABLO ... leave it alone the night before race day or you will have a sudden uncontrollable urge to poop at the wrong time! Two minutes is a respectable pit-stop time but it screws with your race PR.
6. Feeding Your Face. That honey and water nutrition plan that you read about in the magazine slipped into your race packet, DON'T try it for the first time on race day. It is hell-a-tempting to try a new brilliant idea that is all but guaranteed to help you crush the field but don't, just don't. Try it out training for the next race, nothing new on race day. Nutrition takes as much practice as every other discipline.
7. Lube. Vaseline, Vaseline, Vaseline. You cannot use too much Vaseline. Your nether-regions will thank you. If the thought crosses your mind to invest in this magical product, it is made by Unilever, (UN) on the NYSE.
8. Toe Jams. Don't go sockless for the first time on race day. While the pros and more experienced fools make it look like a great idea, hamburger feet is what results if your tender footsies are not adequately trained to endure this torture. Quick little tip, slathering NewSkin liquid all over your feet helps reduce blisters. That being said, work your way into it.
9. Porta Potty. Hit the porta-potties early and stay ahead of the migration from transition. You don't want to be stuck waiting in line minutes before your wave is set to start. If the expo area is not too far away, those are usually the hidden race day gems. They tend to be empty and cleaner. Not one to toot my own horn but this may be the best advice you ever received.
10. High Fives. High five a kid every chance you get. It's like a secret turbo boost. It makes you smile, relax and realize that triathlon is so much more than your race. Plus, they say smiling lowers your heart rate during exercise. Can't hurt, spread the love.

Bonus Material - Sober. Do NOT start talking about next year's races with other triathletes while intoxicated. You will regret it!

Party on and enjoy your season!

Trilifealte. Trilifeawhat? Tri-Life-Alete!

"Trilifealete" (tri-life-alete) - "An age-group endurance athlete who is equally defined by familial and/or employment responsibilities."

It is 5:00 a.m., your alarm clock is blasting its annoying anthem as you cuss out loud trying to figure out the simple math puzzle you voluntarily asked for in order to turn it off, all so that it would really wake up this morning. The Spouse is snoring, The Kids are snoring (one of them in your bed with his damn toes in your nose all night), The Dog is snoring louder than anyone else in the house. The sun is not yet up. Hell, roosters are not even up yet but you my friend are awake (sort of) because this is the only time you will be able to get your workout in today.

You would love to workout after work when the sun is out and weather is nice, but alas, your after-work schedule includes - 5:30 p.m. baseball game for The Oldest; 6:30 p.m. soccer practice for The Youngest; dinner to cook; yard to mow; dog to walk; a few random work emails to reply to that can't wait until tomorrow; laundry to fold and put away; house to pick up (meh this can probably wait); days happenings to catch up on with The Spouse; Kids to herd into bed; and a 9:30 p.m. bedtime for you unless of course you have a second workout for the day that you have to squeeze in there somewhere.

You do some simple math, trying like hell to figure out a way to push snooze and sneak nine more precious minutes of fake sleep out of your night. Lets see, quick piece of toast and cup of coffee - 10 minutes safe bet; 13 minutes from my door to pool; workout says only 50 minutes which really means an 1:10:00 because it was written for some freak athlete that you are certainly not; 20-30 minutes to shower and get presentable for work; protein shake packed so no need to account for post-workout breakfast; 8:00 a.m. work meeting that you should probably prepare for since you didn't do it yesterday afternoon because you hustled out the door for the group workout instead; you could cut the workout short but that is not even a consideration because you only have 209 days left until your A Race. Conclusion - Damn it! No snooze for you! Go brush your damn teeth because you have stuff to do!

The workout, YOUR workout is not some 45 minute preppy-ass class at an overpriced gym surrounded by yuppies in matching outfits. Nope, its a do-it-by-your-damn-self workout that probably includes staring at a black line at the bottom of a cold pool assisted by more toys than a frustrated housewife; an hour-and-a-half in your basement on your pedal bike that you spent more than you did on your first car; or a lonely hour run with just you and a sidewalk, dodging ice booby traps and grumpy neighborhood dogs. You didn't download this workout for free from the internet either. You pay a coach twice what you pay in gym memberships a month to plan and track your progress and write up this sadistic crap just to make sure you are ready when the gun finally goes off. All of this you KNOW is money well spent.

Once your motor is going, you crank out the workout with images of greatness pulsing through your brain. Your efforts are rewarded with a rush of endorphin's comparable to what a drug addict experiences with each fix. Unlike drugs though, each post-workout high is actually better and more fulfilling than the one before it. This leads you to call what most people call insane, "fun." With images of your next inevitable personal record blurring your vision, you gulp down your organic, GMO free, gluten free, muscle rebuilding, turbo charging meal replacement and away you go on another day in the life of a Trilifealete.

That's right, you read that right, I didn't forget to spell check that - "Trilifealete" (tri-life-alete) - "An age group endurance athlete who is equally defined by familial and/or employment responsibilities." Parent, spouse, athlete - Trilifealete. Son/daughter, sibling, athlete - Trilifealete. Parent, entrepreneur, athlete - Trilifealete. Substitute in whatever describes you, but the term "Trilifealete" truly sums up the life of an age group endurance athlete. You don't get to ensure optimum hours of sleep every day. You don't get to sit around with your legs in some air compression contraption after each workout. Your "recovery" days could probably qualify as an actual workout for some people. You don't care though. You live for this stuff and thrive on the never-ending whirlwind of professional and personal life activity, all while training your body to swim, bike and run in a single day, distances that "ordinary folk" don't even do in a week.

Your passion and your lifestyle allows others to make a living feeding, catering to and capitalizing on your obsession. Equipment, more equipment, coaching, race entries, travel, lodging, specialized travel and lodging, nutrition, the list goes on and on. An entire thriving industry has been built on your efforts. Triathlon Business International estimates that the consumer triathlon market in the United States is a 2.8 BILLION dollar industry. The value of us Trilifealetes is best demonstrated by the recent purchase of World Triathlon Corporation by Dilian Wanda Group for $650 Million. That doesn't happen if you don't exist. They don't make money on professionals. Hell professionals aren't professionals without us. It's the hundreds of thousands of Trilifealetes that spend their hard earned money chasing their next endorphin high that makes this world go round. So, this holiday season while you are Googling the latest and greatest gear to add to your Christmas list, STOP. Stop. Take a moment. Step back, give yourself a pat on the ass and soak in the fact that you are a Trilifealete. You make this world go round. Everyone in it owes you a ginormous "thank you." Without you, they don't exist.

After you take that moment, buy the hell out of that new gear, renew your coaching program, get your Trilifealete spouse that new VO2 analysis, sign up for your next big race. Let's be honest, they are necessities and our sport depends upon us!  When you are done with that, march your ass to the basement, mount your trusty stead and work off that Thanksgiving gravy. Here's to the Trilifealetes!

PS: I'm trademarking the hell out of "Trilifealete" - all rights reserved Mediocre Age Grouper, 11/28/15 :)

That Feeling You Get...

Sometimes pictures describe things the best.